Sunday, July 1, 2012

Surviving it

OK, here is what I DONT have.

brain tumor
bleeding on the brain
Lyme disease
ovarian cancer
thyroid disease
heart arrhythmia
oh, and I am not pregnant! haha

We are slowly but surely ruling things out.  Which is comforting to have the above things scratched off the list!

I met with my family Dr. he said that he does not know what could cause these symptoms. I walked out of his Dr. office very discouraged.  He also called some friends of his who are neurologist and he got me an appointment with one of them.......  In September! Um thanks.

Yikes, we will be trying other things before then!

I have been trying to move on-ish.  When I start to get a little depressed at the current situation I have to remember that this wont last forever. And for Heaven's sake Stephanie! There are worse things!!!!!!!

I can't quite get on with it though.... Maybe I am not suppose to get comfortable with these symptoms as the new me, maybe I am suppose to get angry to help fuel me forward to search for answers....
You know when you have the stomach flu, and you feel awful, and you say,"Yuck, I am just going to take it easy today, tomorrow, when I feel better, I will run those errands, clean my house, take my kids to the park, etc.....

I cant do that!

I have a tendency to do that with this.... ailment?  

It didn't dawn on me that I had been doing this to some degree until Grant's birthday, June 4th.  I was driving to my pelvic CT scan bawling because it was my little guys birthday and because I had been "sick" I had not planned a lot or run the errands for presents and stuff.  It hit me hard that I did not want to let that day pass me by with just a sort of "celebration" of him.  I am passionate about not missing them, while they are right here with me.  And I had been missing them.  By putting off things that I would normally do with them I will miss these moments.  Which is worse than any sickness or disability that could come.

I feel a little stuck.

I am struggling with the balance of trying to fiercely find out what is going on here.... and also trying to move forward with and for my family and maintaining a happy environment.  They feel like opposites. I cannot do both at once for some reason.  Either I am researching and calling doctors and moving forward somehow to get healthier.  Or I am maintaining the household stuff, playing with the kids and just trying to be grateful and happy for where I am now and accepting the new normal.  One feels like it requires survival mode, the other tries to repair.  We cannot function in survival mode for too long.  I think that is where I have been.  And it was ok for a while.  But it is not anymore.

When you are surviving, there isn't room in your body/spirit for planning for tomorrow, or preparing emotionally/physically/spiritually for what is to come.  Not to mention making sure that the wonderful people in your life are cared for not just for today, but for tomorrow too.  That their buckets have been filled today, and that there is lots more for tomorrow......  

There is just today. And making it through the day is all that matters. Old goals go out the window.  Because, after all, if you make it into your bed at night, that is all that survival has asked of you.

I want to thrive again.

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