Wow! What a difference!

What you are about to read is a blog post I wrote the day I found out I was expecting my # 5.  A blog post I wrote but did not publish because it was too ugly to admit that I felt that way!  I wasn't going to publish it, but decided that its the part of the story that needed to be remembered because its where He taught me so much!!!
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November 19, 2012 4:15 pm

Its been 3 hours.

I can finally breathe, only I am betting that I just ran out of tears, the new ones being made will surely come pouring out any minute.

I took the test right after I picked up the girls from school. I was still in my workout clothes from this morning and i stunk.  Mia was down for a nap and Grant was just watching a show with the girls.  I was going to hop in the shower real quick.   I saw the little box just sitting there and thought, "hmm, I am a week late, I love taking pregnancy tests anyway."

The second I looked at it, the line that shouldn't be there was already there!!!!

What?
Why?
How?

Odd questions for a girl who has 4 kids, I know!

Thankfully I didn't have to add "Who" to those lists of questions.....since I already had so many to answer!

What:  What? No! No! No! We are done having kids!!!  We were using double birth control because I am/was so freaked out about not getting pregnant! My body hasn't recovered from Mia! My body is still numb since last April...and my chest hurts and my heart races at times and I am completely wiped out and exhausted most days!! and.......... I cannot be pregnant!! I just got into the Cleveland Clinic to help me get better! Next week is my appointment!  What kind of tests will they do on a pregnant lady??????  I need to get healthier, I cannot be sick, I cannot lose another year to being sick! 2009, 2011, 2012, now 2013!!!!!!! My kids cannot take care of themselves for another pregnancy! Mia!!! Mia is still just a baby! She will be two when this one is born, maybe not even!!!!

I CAN NOT DO THIS!!!

Why:  Why??? Heavenly Father knows the past year I have had!!!!!!!!  I cannot be sick on top of being sick!  Why does He want me to have another baby?  4!!! I want to have 4!!!  I am not taking good care of the 4 he has given me!! I cannot have 5! I will not live through this!  My marriage will not live through another sick year!!  Too much survival mode!  What am I to be learning that I am not?  Am I not sufficiently humbled?  Am I not trying to be the best that I can be???????  Ironic that I was just talking to my sister this morning and saying:  "He knows us so perfectly, He knows what we can handle even when we think we cant".  Well, I suppose that is where I am now.  I believe that I will not survive this..... both emotionally and physically.  Numb, heart racing, exhausted, pregnant, vomiting, fainting....etc.

How:  How?  Heavenly Father, How!???  How do I take care of my family? How do I help all of us progress to where we are suppose to get to?  How do I fortify my home, my kids, my ward.... serve at all, from my couch??????  How will I withstand the judgement? Me- with 4 kids, one on the way when I swore all over the place that I would never be pregnant again.  We have lived in Richmond for 4 years...... and will have had 3 kids!!!  Rabbits!!!  I will be judged!  We need to move, we cant fit 5 kids in this house!!!  How, how will we move?  We will need to do it soon, before I am dead and I can help!!!!!  How do I love another one, when I dont want it???  I want to be healthy!! Its been too long!! Since before Mia, in Mexico..... I cant wait another year or more to feel well!!!???????

There they are, the tears are back.  I suppose its time for me to stop writing for now.

This is what I am hoping:  ............................................................

That I will look back on this post, and laugh at myself, and scoff at the little lame and selfish soul that I was.  That I will have so much love and adoration for the new little life that I cant imagine life with out it?!!  That I will be so filled with gratitude for a Heavenly Father who "knows me so much better than I know myself"... as the Stephanie this morning just said..... oh to be her again.....

Wow, I break so easily!