Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Come what may and love it! ??

Today I went for a run.  Something I have done countless times, dare I say a gazillion times, since I was 13.  Something that quite frankly, I am obsessed with.  I was hoping that I would feel different.  I didn't.  The neurologist said I could run as long as I didn't start the run fatigued, and as long as I stopped running if I felt fatigued during the run.  I got a 1/2 mile in before I had to turn around, the numbness swept in and blanketed my left leg again, its too bad, because I really needed to be out there longer. Running clears my head, and helps me to drop all of those silly things I worry about.

Silly things to worry about.  I feel guilty.  There are worse things! I keep telling myself that, but I am having a hard time dropping the fact that I cant run the way I need to right now.  

2.5 weeks ago, on April 21st, I was doing my normal Saturday morning long run.  The Indy mini marathon was 2 weeks away, this would by my last long run before the race.  When I was 4 miles into my run the left side of my body went completely........numb.  

For the last month my toes had been feeling that pins and needles feeling when I went running, I thought my shoes were too tight or ....something, then the feeling stuck around even when i wasn't running.  I made an appointment with my doctor and the earliest I could see him was May 1st. 

I immediately started praying.  I felt like I should turn around and run, not walk, back.  Every time my foot hit the ground I had to look down to make sure it was still there, and still working.  It was, I just couldn't feel it. I called Greg when I had a mile left, he met me at the trail parking lot and we both tried to grasp what just happened. The severity of the numbness lessened slightly when I got home, but the feeling stuck around.

I got into the nurse practitioner the following Wednesday, April 25.  She did a couple of little tests in the office that I failed miserably, and so she scheduled 2 MRI, one of my brain, the other of my cranial neck area..... and told me ,"NO RUNNING!!"  Um.  I was able to make it to the van, load the 2 little ones, make it home, turn on Barney for Grant and put Mia down for a nap and then.... I let myself lose it.

On Friday, April 27, my MRI was scheduled at 3:20.  As the day went on I felt like I was getting worse.  At about 1:00, it felt like I couldn't breath, I felt weak and tired.  Greg came home, picked up the girls from school and we went to the ER, they checked all of my vitals and the ER doctor said that everything was working, my lungs, my heart... but that I probably just couldn't feel them working on my left side.  We went ahead with the scheduled MRI and my amazing mother-in-law drove over and took the kids home to give Greg and I some time.  After the MRI we drove over to Hays Arboretum. We talked about what this could be; tumor? MS? some weird fluke virus sent here to teach us something?  We talked about our future, and that our picture of it will probably need changing.  We talked about the fact that we have an all knowing, and loving Heavenly Father.  We read Elder Wirthlin's talk, "Come what may and love it", one of my all time favorites.  I will never forget that moment with Greg.  I have always said that I need running and Greg to survive.  So of the two, I am so glad it was running that got nixed and not my very best friend. 

Sunday, April 29th, started hard.  One of the worst.  I am sad to say I had lost hope, its amazing how an experience like this brings you to your knees.... and your breaking point.  I watched Elder Neil L. Anderson's talk called, "What thinks Christ of Me?".  Amazing!!!  And President Henry B. Eyring's talk, "Mountains to Climb".  Humbling!!!  Later in the day, Bishop Baker came over.  What followed was one of the most spiritual experiences of my life.  I am so grateful that God's power can be here on the earth.  Because of this experience I can never doubt that my Savior is aware of me.  I am full of hope, everything will work out, and if my hope wanes, I know I will need to remember this experience and have greater faith.

Matt and Janet (My brother and his wife) and their kids got here sunday night to spend the week with us and run the mini marathon.  We quickly filled them in.  We were so very blessed to have them here for this past week.  They watched the kids while we got more MRI and test results and they lightened the mood around our home.  We all had so much fun with them!!!  Janet did way more than her fair share of chores around here.  

I have felt so blessed to have friends and family fasting for me!  I feel so humbled! I am so grateful for their love and support.

I met with a neurologist yesterday, which was a pure miracle in and of itself that I was able to get into one so quickly (thank you Leah!).  I had some blood work done and I will probably have a spinal tap sometime in the near future.  

I must end this ridiculously long post! Wow!  My stake president, who lives an hour away came over last monday and told me to journal all that I can about this experience and to share my testimony of my Savior with others.  I will work on that.  Until I can run for reals I will need to find other ways to drop those silly things I worry about and clear my head in other healthy ways.  I will work on that too!!


Jake and Em said...

Thank you for posting! you are amazing and I love yoooooooou!!!!!!!!!!!!! Girl you so pret-ty!!!

The Favorite said...

Steph- you are in my prayers and I hope you start feeling like yourself soon and find answers. I am thankful for your testimony and your example of prayers, reading talks, and enduring. I love you!

Amber said...

What???? Do you have any results yet? I wish I lived closer to you so I could help. I will pray for you.

Ashley and Cody said...

Steph- I haven't kept up on blogging very good but I read your story tonight and my heart aches for you and your sweet family. Your faith, sweetness, and hope is amazing. YOu are such an amazing person, and we will continue to keep you in our prayers. You are a true example of a strong and amazing woman. Please keep us updated. Tell Greg hello from Cody and I as well.